Being a skyscraper

Every since I was in freshman year, I have had tonnes of horrible things come my way. I rose through them all. Bad grades? Got over them. Horrible hair day? I laughed it off. But horrible people? They had more power over me than I could imagine.

I fretted. I worried. But more than that, I was baffled. At school, I’d never faced a “mean girl”. All my friends were literal angels who were always there for me and called me up to check on me when I had a bad day.

Why me? Am I not a good person? Is my personality that repulsive? Did I do something wrong? No. I didn’t. And I’m sure of it. I might swear sometimes and maybe you won’t find my jokes funny. But I don’t think me or anybody else deserves to be snubbed without knowing why.

I faced this terrible cycle for 3 years. Now that I’m in my senior nothing has changed so I’m guessing it’s going to last a fourth.

But I’m living, moving on. I have amazing friends from high school and a few great people I met at university. Forget them, people say. Forget it, some people are like that. Forget it, she’s immature. How do I forget? If you would have come at me face to face, I would have been glad to bust out my black belt on you. But that’s why they were afraid. And stabbed me from the back. Because it hurts more that way. Especially when I’m vulnerable. And especially because I assumed I’m Julius Caesar and nothing could penetrate my armor.

I don’t want to talk of it as bullying because I can’t equate it to people who have had to actually go through something so traumatizing but believe me, if I would have let it get worse, if I wasn’t as strong as I am, I would probably have to face a very similar situations.

People see their halos. The cover that they have perfectly fitted over themselves. Not anymore. It’s unravelling and slowly, people will see the truth. They’ll still humor them though because they need somebody to laugh at, to talk about.

I have helped them out so much. Gone beyond my comfort zone, helping, no questions asked. But when it was time for them to help me, they were gone without a trace.

I should stop being surprised. I guess I’m still naive in that sense where I assume people would help me. Where I assume my friends would have my back. Where I would assume that what you reap is what you sow. I should stop setting expectations because we live in a cruel world.

But the world is not cruel. It’s a balance of good and evil. If you faced undeserved, pure evil even though you’ve been a good person, you’ll find that light reaches you most unexpectedly. One way or another, you will definitely reap what you sow. Since I had helped people before, help found it’s way to me. I was saved.

So I’m not going to treat fire with fire. The only fire that needs to be lit is the one inside me. I’m just going to distance myself from nasty people. I’m strong, I’m brave and I’m happy. I have always been filled with positivity and will continue to be. I’ll appreciate the tiny things, I’ll appreciate those people who are guarding my back- my army.  I’ll appreciate the help that found it’s way to me in the darkest hour- it is what I’ll hold close to my heart. I’ll appreciate people who made me feel special when I was down, people I know are listening when I need to get it out of my system.

Writing this is genuinely hard and really hurts me. I don’t know how people can turn away other people when they ask for actual, genuine help. But that is not going to be me. Even if the world is on fire and I have a few buckets of water to save it, I’m going to try my best. The world needs better people, nicer humans and happiness. It could do with a little saving.

I’m a skyscraper. I may be still under construction or face faults, but I rise.

Sania

 

 

 

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